What if I don’t like the way I look on my Wedding Day?
My husband, Caleb, and I on our wedding day. I chose to wear blue and go back to my favorite hair color (bright red). I felt like the best version of myself, but not before I had a small meltdown about it.
When it was my turn to be a bride the pressure to look perfect took me by surprise.
Two months before my wedding, I collapsed in a heap next to my fiance. I was in the final stages of dialing in my wedding look. (A little late by some schedules, but our timeline was short for some personal reasons). I couldn’t get my hair to have volume in the right places. I wasn’t sure if my eyebrow pencil was a half shade too dark. And oh god the earrings I thought were perfect online were tacky AF in person. Of course there was also “the pooch.” The lower belly fat that I’d spent the better part of my life worried about, trying to get rid of, and planning my entire wardrobe around, was threatening to ruin my entire life if I didn’t find shape wear endowed with actual magical powers.
“What’s bothering you?” Caleb asked, genuinely wanting to know.
“Your wedding is the day where you’re supposed to look the BEST you’ve ever looked in your ENTIRE LIFE.” I spat.
Now cue his WTF? face.
I guess as a man he hadn’t gotten the memo that looking hot, no, PERFECT on your wedding day was an actual requirement to be deserving of love and admiration not only by your new spouse, but also by everyone you’ve ever met.
The harmful “beauty ideal” is pervasive in the wedding industry.
The wedding industry is a wild place. Some of us business owners offer things that are directly related to your wedding day (Photographers like me, planners, venues). Other businesses have found a lot of success marketing their services to the engaged couple (or just engaged women).
If you’re planning a wedding, you’ve probably seen it. Anything that can be sold to you at this life phase is probably making its way to your inbox, Instagram, or the floor of a convention center at a wedding exhibition. A small selection would include: skin treatments, collagen supplements, “targeted” or “sculpting” workouts, instructions for how to practice a “soft smile,” those godforsaken wrap things, teeth whitening, workout MLMs, weight loss shakes, the list goes on.
Even if, like me, you’re already aware of how harmful and unrealistic the culturally dictated, yet ever changing, “beauty ideal” actually is, the messages still seep into your brain somehow. It’s like I was programed to subconsciously believe: I must avoid at all costs anything that could make me “puffy” or “bloated.” As if steering clear of the actual word “fat” makes the same old sentiment okay in 2024 somehow. Also to be feared are the vaguely condemning “tired” or perhaps the scariest fear despite the fact that it will affect every single one of us if we’re lucky: “old.”
“We’ve already looked the best we’re going to look in our whole lives” My husband said, not sounding bothered.
The courage. The balls. I was aghast.
A little perspective check goes a long way.
Me 10+ years ago on my way into a shift at the restaurant where Caleb and I met.
Caleb and I met many years ago when I was supplementing my photography income by bartending at an Italian restaurant. I was married to someone else at the time, so we were never more than casual work friends. We got along great at work, but then lost touch for almost a decade. When we reconnected years later, both single, sparks flew.
He was probably referring to the fact that when we met, 13 years before our wedding, we were both younger and trimmer. What I remember from that time, is I didn’t like the way I looked BACK THEN. I found so much to criticize. The same old belly pooch, my hair that wouldn’t cooperate. The pimples I was still getting long after my teenage years are over.
Photos of me back then tell a different story—I looked AMAZING. All it took was perspective change brought on automatically by time.
He reminded me that he was attracted to me then, and he’s attracted to me now. It was easier to comprehend when I realized I felt exactly the same way about him.
What hit me in that moment is that the same thing will happen with our wedding photos too. The shape of our bodies, how stylish other people think we are, It’s all fleeting. It’s all bullshit. Even the most stylish, on trend, “perfect” wedding from 10 years ago looks dated in photos now. The people are what matter.
Looking “Perfect” is meaningless if you’re trying to be someone else.
Dierdre wore the most perfect Faux-hawk on her wedding day, even though stylists had tried to talk her out of it.
People matter more than perfection, more than style, more than photos. When I say people, you’re probably thinking of your guests, but what I’m talking about is YOU.
You matter. Who you are as a person, why you and your partner chose each other, your values, the things that bring you joy—this is exactly what we’re celebrating on your wedding day.
Yes, weddings are a big life milestone for most people, but the thing we are celebrating is not, “Look, I’ve become who all of you think I should be now, so you can finally accept me.” It’s, “This is who I am and this is the partner I have chosen. You have been invited to celebrate with us because you love and support us and the step we are taking.”
I’ve seen many trends come and go as a wedding photographer in my 15th year. Our self-criticism fades and our self love grows over time with every new thing we learn. I’m convinced that the only way you will hate your wedding photos on your 10th anniversary is if you made choices for your wedding that didn’t align with your values, and who you are deep down.
If you’re worried you won’t look your best on your wedding day, here’s what to do about it:
Morgan had a strong vision for her look at her 2023 Tennessee wedding, and pulled it off beautifully.
Even if we release all the societal pressure to conform to the arbitrary beauty ideal, we still want to be proud of how we look in our photos. I always say, “photos are a gift for yourself in the future,” but they’re also something you want to be proud to show off right away. Here are my best tips based on what I learned as a bride, and from the 300 amazing couples I’ve worked with as a photographer.
Prioritize nailing your personal style over conforming to what you think you should look like. Be the best version OF YOU. If you’ve always had short hair, don’t spend months growing it out just because. Look back at photos of yourself from different times in your life. Don’t ask “which of these looks best on me?” ask “which one of these feels like ME?”
Use your imagination to put yourself in your own shoes one year after the wedding. What do you hope to see/feel when you look at your photos? What outcomes would make you disappointed in yourself? What would make you proud?
Do this again for 20 years down the line. All wedding photos will look dated. All trends will go out and come back in again in a different way. How do you want to be remembered? How do you want to remember yourself?
Use your team: Your makeup artist, hairstylist, and alterations person are entirely focused on how you look and feel on your wedding day. Find the right ones and be sure they’re listening to you. One bride I worked with recently knew she wanted to wear her hair in a faux-hawk, but had to interview several stylists before finding one who didn’t suggest a low bun instead. Find the people who celebrate you instead of convincing you to conform.
Tell your photographer everything. Every insecurity. Photographers can do SO MUCH with camera angles, light, and composition to minimize or maximize just about anything in a portrait. What we don’t know just from looking at you is what you would personally want minimized or maximized. Worried about your arms, your chin, your belly? Tell us. (I actually have an item on my questionnaire about this so we never have to talk about it on the wedding day)
Tell your wedding team (Your photographer, planner, and MOH, plus anyone else you trust to help you on your wedding day) Every but of family drama. I can’t speak for all photographers here, but the way I see it, it’s not just how you look that’s my responsibility, it’s also the LOOK ON YOUR FACE. My job is to preserve your favorite day for all eternity. If I can help you look perfect and also get out of your head and build your confidence, that’s what I’m here for.
The photos will look dated no matter what. we will all get older and change. The photos of your face, happy to be alive, perfectly in the moment, and surrounded by love will buoy you in the future in life’s inevitable hard moments.
Remember that you deserve to feel like the best version of yourself—not just on your wedding day but all the time.
Interested in working with me as your photographer? Get in touch here: Contact Libby